| haaayyyy |
[25 Dec 09 @ 2:03pm] |
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mood |
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Merry Christmas to you all. Anons and friends alike
Have a great day and rest of the year
<3 And if you don't celebrate Christmas, you're weird. Jk lol Happy Holidays
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| you are perfect as you are. and you could use a little work. |
[24 Dec 09 @ 12:31pm] |
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lykki li- dance dance dance |
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this year has indeed been an interesting one.
in the past few weeks, triggered by stuff from the last few months, i think i've made a conscious decision to really learn how to take care of myself. obviously, i know how to brush my teeth and dress myself and feed myself, but in a different way, i'm sort of a mess. like a lot of people are. so i just want that not to be the case.
first and foremost, i really need a different job. i've been broke for way too long, and i'm barely making enough money to make ends meet at jimmy johns. i just wish it was easier- the only places hiring seem to be strip clubs (thanks, but no thanks) and plus my employment history is less than ideal. but i definitely NEED a different job, so obstacles need to be overtaken.
and beyond that, i just need to get my shit together academically. i know that i'm smart, and i'm definitely curious, but my work ethic is absolutely terrible, and my grades show it. plus, i don't really know what i'm doing in college, and i've wasted my first three semesters taking classes that don't necessarily get me closer to graduating. bummer.
there are many other things that i know i need to fix in my life, but despite all of the shitty stuff going on, my life is still pretty freakin' amazing. i have truly lovely friends, and i guess the fact that i'm aware enough of my own life that i know changes need to be made is a first step, one that many people don't get to for years. i've been trying to practice appreciating things, and that's been immensely useful- it's far too easy to fall into this "woe is me" state of mind when so much stuff in my life is more difficult then i'd like.
all things said and done, i'm glad to have the next month off of school, to work with the above mentioned problems. and tomorrow is christmas (although, christmas is never as exciting now as it was in my childhood) and the day after that, i go to st. louis. although the reason for going is for my grandfather's memorial (he died last friday), i'm still excited- i truly love my dad's side of the family, and my aunt lauren's house is awesome. and then i just sort of plan on spending my winter break working and doing stuff that i like- writing and reading poetry, watching movies, etc. so things aren't too bad. things are perfect as they are, and they could use a little work.
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| end of the year routine. |
[24 Dec 09 @ 11:47am] |
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January: So my New Years didn't go as planned...Tricia's party didn't happen due to a death in her family so I ended up over at Matt's instead with Jeni and Jose. Februrary: I have to stop reading the ljnews pages...all they do is annoy the hell out of me. March: I lost the man I loved, I lost my best friend. April: So I've decided to dive back into sewing. May: So I'm currently at Jose's place, sitting on the futon while he works on converting the bathtub into some kind of a shower. June: *sigh* the closer I get to Saturday, the more I worry that people won't act like adults. July: Fuck going down to Veterans Park to see the fireworks. August: As far as my actual employment is concerned, I'm not sure if MPS is keeping me for the last few weeks of the summer camp. September: Well, Jose and I are quite slow in the technology department. October: Yes, and not always because I wanted to. November: Christ, can my mouth STOP hurting? December: Good thing I actually checked my bank account...I have a lot more than I thought I did.
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I keep forgetting it's Christmas Eve. I know it's because there's so much shit going on here. A few nights ago my mom was in a car accident. She's fine but our car is totaled. We have no car.
Shit just keeps piling on; my dad has cancer, my mom is driving herself insane trying to deal with that and manage finances, my brother is falling apart over the news that our father could die, and now we're without a frickin car. And all right before Christmas.
This fucking SUCKS.
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| hmmmmmm |
[22 Dec 09 @ 5:06pm] |
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happier |
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Omen - Prodigy |
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Happy update: I got the job at the sex toy and gifts store. I went in for training today and have to call my manager to find out when he wants me going back in. As it stands right now, once I start with my actual hours I'll be working every other day in the week. This, combined with my Rec ob on Saturdays, should give me more money to work with. Yay! :D
oh haha and I just read on the Rave's website that my brother's band is playing Doomsday 2010. I know none of y'all have any clue wtf I'm talking about but I'm get some folks to go see him and the other local bands there. Supportin the local metal scene because I care. And there's some good shit in there too.
My dad also comes home today. I'm waiting for him and my mom to get home. Hopefully J gets over here in time to help out if there's a need for it.
I do feel better now that I have a job. The only thing I'm worried about is the cash register. I've never been good at register keeping and money handling, and this is a job where that's imperitive. I'll be working the store by myself and I don't have any other choice but to be on top of it. I'm a bit (a lot) nervous, but I should be...okay? I hope? Staying positive. I have no clue what a "drop" is but I'll figure it out. The girl who's training me admitted to being nervous and fucking up a lot when she was new too...and she's been there for a year. I should be alright. Right?
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| yep. |
[20 Dec 09 @ 2:55pm] |
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 whatev. |
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I had a nice night out ith Jose and Jeni last night. We went to Odyssey Restaurant out in Menomenee (however the hell it's spelled) Falls, which is now the number 1 hangout spot for all the highschool smokers and juggalos so we have to find a new place to go because I'm not dealing with those fucks. I tried to empathize because I used to be one of them (minus the juggalo bullshit) but I'm not now so I don't want to put up with them. Plus Jeni was close to insulting one of them loud enough and I was not in the mood to get in a brawl with a 15-year-old. After we left there, we bummed around the Falls area until we got word back from one of Jeni's friends. Then we went to a friend of hers' house, smoked, watched dude and his friend play some war vg and left for home. We were supposed to watch a movie but nixed it to go home instead. I wasn't too tired but since everyone else was (and it was 3am...oh no) Jose dropped me off and I went to sleep.
That was the first time I have hung out with someone that wasn't Jose in a long time. Which brings me to something...I made a direct post about this on facebook, but I truly feel like I'm being left out by the people I'm supposed to consider my closest friends. They almost never ask me out anywhere and the only times I hear about outings is the day after, when they're posting pics/status updates/etc online. I can only chalk this up to a few possiblities: 1)I'm still 20, and will be until June so I can't accompany them out to the bars, 2)I don't have the freedom of my own car, or 3)I don't make a lot of money so they assume I'm constantly broke. The third isn't really any of their business (or yours) but I make enough to do occasional outings so I don't know why, if they are, they're concerned with that. As for the first, shit I'm so darn sorry my mother didn't birth me earlier in the fuckin year. Perhaps they would've prefered me as a premie? And no I don't have my own car, but I do drive. Shit's tight right now in my family and we only have one car. That doesn't mean I can't drive it, but my mom's out at the hospital all the time when she's not at work and I'm not gonna complain. I dunno...I just feel like I'm not included in anything. Even when I do drink I'm not always interested in getting fucked up and they are, so maybe they think I'm not as much fun? I'm just waiting for one of them to bitch that I'm being needy or I'm not taking into account the fact that they have lives. I'm waiting, so I can snap on them for thinking that way. This has nothing to do with me assuming they need to be at my beck and call, but considering they go out and hang out close to every frickin night, I really don't think it's too much to ask that I'm invited once in a damn while. Especially since they're hanging out with each other. I dunno. Maybe they think I don't gel well with them anymore.
Let's see who comments with "Just get new friends." since that seems to be everyone's answer to everything; just give up and start over. Because ain't shit worth saving or working for, right?
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| blahblahblahwhothefuckcares. |
[17 Dec 09 @ 12:16pm] |
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bored |
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I went to that Vector place, the place that is constantly hanging posters around campus. Turns out they're not sketchy at all; it's for a company called Cutco, who sells knives and other housewares. They offered me a position (!!!!) and I took it. The nice thing is that even if I don't bring in a lot of money to the company, I make at least $15 from each appointment. If this doesn't work out, I hope to save up enough to move out before they decide to fire me. I'll still be looking for another job during all of this, but I'm not getting much else. I applied to a sex toy store and they guy never got back to me, and I have to drop off my resume at an eyeglass store. Clearly, I'm not picky anymore when it comes to jobs. I'd seriously even consider stripping if it weren't for the fact that one, my lower body is not at all attractive (though that's not nearly as much of a problem as you'd think) and two, I refuse to be grouped in with the people I know who did/do strip. It's more the second reason than the first; I know of a few places that would hire me and where my presence would definately be an improvement.
Anyway...my dad is doing much better. He's moved to physical therapy and is working to get back up on his feet. We're expecting him to beat this mess. My mother is still stressing herself far beyond her comfort level, and taking her frustrations out on me and whatever stranger is around. For now, I really don't want to be around her and make efforts not to be. I get that she's stressed but shit, I'm not her verbal punching bag.
My school year is over (says me) and once I get the $500-something paid off, I'll be done with UWM for at least a year...or however long I choose to stay away. Despite what everyone seems to think, I really do think this break will do me a world of good. Everyone says "I hate school", usually around finals time or when they have to write a 7 page paper or something like that, but I truly hate school, even in the pleasant times. I can't stand sitting in a lecture hall half-listening to some talking head drone on and on and flip through page after dry page of Powerpoint. I always fall asleep, even if I'm wired. As thrilling as that is I really think my time can be better spend doing something else.
So the "Ashley goes to school because everyone tells her to" chapter is closed and the "Ashley's doing what she wants and working to earn her way" is what I'm on now. We'll see how that goes.
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